Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
