I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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