I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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