I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
