I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
