i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
