I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
