I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
