I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
