Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I smell stomach acid.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
