I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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