don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
