Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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