She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
