Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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