I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
