Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
