Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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