i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
