Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
