you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
