ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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