She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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