im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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