Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
