just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
