I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
