I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
