she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
