someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
