It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
