Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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