Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
