There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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