his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
