I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize
