I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
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I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
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No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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