Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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