I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
