Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
