Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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