Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
