apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
