Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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