Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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