Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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