God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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