I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
