Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I am mentally ready for anal.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
