I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
