yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish life had little blips of pornography
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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