...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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