I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
