Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
