WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
