He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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