This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
