your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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