please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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