Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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