Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
