Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
